PIMPLOMACY: the art of pompous whoring in guise of diplomacy

GMA's finally made contact... with OBAMA... Agenda? WTF?!

HOUSTON! WE HAVE LANDED! Hail to our Commander-in-Chief who has finally made contact with the elusive US PRESIDENT after a series of humiliating attempts to seek audience with the celebrity-head of state.

The Agenda of this most anticipated meeting? WTF?! TERRORISM AND WHAT? Nuclear non-proliferation?! Here's the excerpt from the 2009 SONA:

" I have accepted the invitation of President Obama to be the first Southeast Asian leader to meet him at the White House, this week….
That he sought us the Philippines testifies to our strong and deep ties….

High on our agenda will be peace and security issues. Terrorism: how to meet it, how to end it, how to address its roots in injustice and prejudice—and most and always how to protect lives….
We will also discuss nuclear non-proliferation. The Philippines will chair the review of the nuclear weapons non-proliferation Treaty in New York in May 2010. The success of the talks will be a major diplomatic achievement for us…."

PARDON MY FRENCH! SACRE-BLUE! La merde de chien! BALIVERNE!

The afterthoughts of the meeting are the following global recession, territorial sovereignty, poverty, etc., etc...

This is what they call ANTI-CLIMACTIC. No, I think they call this "coitus interruptus". All those times allotted for foreplay and then suddenly a limp dick called... NUCLEAR NON-PROLIFERATION?

Are you kidding me? Why do we need to chair the review of this treaty? WHY this is all bullshit?! 5 reasons... 1) Non-proliferation Treaty is relevant only to those who have the nuclear capability; 2) Philippines which I like to call a "whore in diplomacy or a prostituée diplomatique" has ascribed to every conceivable godd@mn treaty or agreement shoved in its face by the international community; 3) Save the old USSR, US is the largest country with nuclear stockpile and it still developing nuclear weapons and counting... It is hypocritical to use this wimpy country known as the Philippines to justify to other countries that nuclear non-proliferation is the WAY, TRUTH and LIFE; 4) US is using this whole review of non-proliferation treaty to seek justification in disarming other countries; 5) We will incur the wrath of North Korea our friendly neighborhood rogue state. It can just as easily start i its nuclear testing on us.

I have read the whole transcript of the SONA 2009. I will reserve my comments for now. I promise that you will see more excerpts from this speech more in my future posts. I can't help it but I like quoting quotable quotes. SONA 2009 contains all the bullshit I need to last me a whole year in my quoting requirements.

Back to Barack and Gloria. I resent the way Cabinet members exaggerate the fact that GMA is the first Southeast Asian President to win the lottery which prize is an audience with the celebrity-head of state... Oooh Ahhh I am so impressed! D@mn it! An honour a great honour I tell you?! These airheads are oblivious to the fact that their president is among those referred as in Obama's inaugurations speech "...who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history". However, I am first to say we should not forget the second part of that statement "but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

GMA has not only unclenched her fists, she has chased Obama around like a puppy seeking its master's attention. I have recently learned of this particular web or chat acronym- LMAO!

Come on! Terrorism? Terrorism in the Philippines? Don't you mean militarism? Abu-Sayaf is a real entity like the tooth fairy. Insurgency is not terrorism. These small band of bandits need not be extended the courtesy of peace talks or negotiations, the government extends to real entities like the MILF and NPA. If this administration only had the inkling of courage and sincerity the Estrada Administration, these Abu Sayaf would have long fled or vanished in Sulu.

I am from Cotabato City. That's right, we have had a most tragic event recently. I will say unto you my not so-avid readers. Since fourth grade our city has come across numerous bomb threats at the height of the GRP-MNLF peace process. No bombs has caused such utter horror as the one that went off last July 5. Planted bombs in this city do not go off injuring or killing random targets. This act of terrorism is quite a novelty to a conflict-ridden place like ours. Let's just say, there are orders to things in our City. This one is so random and ruthless, Cotabateños know better than to believe the BullSh!t dished out by the national government. CHOOCHOO... ChaCha express...CHOO CHOO... martial law perhaps?

Just because we appear uncivilized to the eyes of the rests of the country does not mean we are dispensable!!! The last thing we need is a power hungry administration dousing gasoline on an already kindling fire of conflict. Back off B!TCH!! Do your jobs @ssholes!

Let me just make my point. Diplomacy is a lofty ideal or concept. In real life, as much as it pains me to say this, someone has to say it anyway. GMA's trip to NYC is not a diplomatic achievement. It is an achievement in PIMPLOMACY. Pimplomacy is a term I coined to refer to "whoring" in diplomatic setting.

Nuclear non-proliferation? What is our business talking about non-proliferation treaty much less review the d@mn thing. If it were issue of immigration and migrant labor or something more relevant to the increasing number of starving Filipinos, then maybe we will be inclined to think otherwise. American Dream is nothing more than a propaganda perpetuated by a country that championed consumerism, marketing or advertising. It is actually rather adept in marketing itself don't you think so? But you know what is more tragic? Superman maybe stupid for wearing his underwear over his tights. But Batman had to wear a belt to emphasize his underwear over his leotards. In this case, little brown men/women who speak with shitty American accent who discriminate against their own kind in a foreign land they claim as their own. What is more pathetic than this? Little brown men/women bleaching themselves, getting nose jobs, who speaks with more shitty accent that sound like a belabored and strangled version of the American accent. When will we learn? I can only guess... NEVER.

When they say the imitation is the highest form of flattery, those who said it did not know about Filipinos. Pimplomacy! Learn it. Live it! You might want to get into foreign service one day. You have to know how to pimp your country so make sure you PIMP it WELL! We have been doing a pretty good job all these years. Why spoil the fun and the humiliation?

Nationalism and ordering fast food

I have been learning a great deal about the importance of roots and genealogy. I apologize dear readers for I have been neglectful of my duties as a blogger. It seems that the month of May is not lucky for me at all. Last year my grandmother died on this month. Last month, my favorite uncle, my Uncle Onyok died and was buried the day after my birthday. Enough about my tragedies. I have written too many posts on death already. I will find the right time to write a post to honor my uncle later on.

It is a holiday today, well tonight to be exact. It is Independence Day after all. I just want to make some observations about this holiday. No one seems to give a d@mn. Puhh-lease spare me from the diatribes of self-proclaimed patriots. I am so fed-up with the lip-service, the verbal pronouncements of their nationalism. Clearly, we have lost our way. I have to admit I am too guilty of this apathy and selfishness.

My "Asa" or great grandfather would roll over his grave if he knew I have spent my day in the mall without sparing a moment's pause to honor him and those of his generation who fought for the liberty I am taking for granted today. It is just that we honor him and all our ancestors who fought for a country we call our own with a hint of disdain, a pinch of apathy, a dash of shame and loads of disappointment.

I still remember stories about my "asa". Papa told me that asa held a huge grudge on friars. Even in his old age, he can still the muster fury against them by throwing stones at them. Too bad, asa would not recognize that the priests he stoned were not the same friars he hated. Asa was a soldier in the Revolution. He was a patriot more than a religious man. He burns with nationalism unlike anything I have ever heard. Asa did not pray. When he went to sleep, he recites the "Mi Ultimo Adios". I was told that as tough a man he was, his tears would roll down his cheeks before he can finish the whole thing.

History books were not able to record all the Filipinos, the first real Filipinos who fought hard for self-determination. I still believe that nameless as they are now, we owe it to them to honor them on this particular day. I ask you now my few not-so-avid reader to pause and thank those who fought and died for a country most of us are not really proud of especially nowadays.

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I have to admit my sense of pride has been bolstered by the rising enthusiasm by those younger than I am for the upcoming elections. I think they have the opportunity that my generation wasted the same opportunity when it was our time to shine in 2004. I wish these young people courage and vigilance. It has been a long grueling 6 years. Everybody seems eager to have someone new to replace that "le petite bitch" in Malacañang. Pardon my French.

So as to prove that my own nationalism has not been waned, I have pledged to support and campaign for a worthy leader. Who it will be I am still undecided honestly. I will be volunteering from campaigning to poll watching. However, I have to admit this coming election has great selection of potential Prez wannabes.

So, I am using the elimination or fast food ordering process. The first people I have eliminated from my list are Noli De Castro, Loren Legarda and that Defense-secretary-PGMA-minion what's his name. Legarda is the personification of "TURNCOATISM". COME ON PEOPLE! De Castro? Are you Sh!tt'n me?

Since Lacson has left the race, I can also scratch him off my list also. Bayani Fernando has strong political will I can see that and Gordon has the brains. Villar lacks charisma and I have yet to hear him speak or participate in presidential debate. I have yet to be wowed by this self-proclaim self-made man. I'll hold my judgement for awhile. Mar Roxas is still in my list but I am not sure yet of what to think of this guy. I have only seen his pre-need showboating. I am wary of his "showbiz/political" engagement to Ms Sanchez.

Erap surprised me greatly during the last ANC forum in UP. He was brilliantly funny but he was not without substance. Only then I realized the charisma of this former president. However, there is such a thing as political momentum. We'll see. Binay like Fernando is a great administrator. If you ask me, we should pick our presidents not from legislators but from those implementors- governors and mayors. Their abilities to run their LGU is a reflection of their capacity to be great presidents. Legislators should do what they are good at legislate laws. Sadly, this is not how we do things in this country. A seat in a national office or a nationwide fame is a requirement. Our voting preference is anchored on name recall.

Alas, the little brown brother of Uncle Sam always has to follow the lead or imitate Uncle Sam. Chiz Escudero is the Filipino version of Obama. But honestly, I think political experience is highly over-rated. The longer you have been in politics is directly proportional to the degree of your immersion in the system. So, let why not give this young, smart-a55 senator a chance. I am have to admit he has the charisma and charm. Decision-making ability is another matter to consider.

I bid you good morning my dear not-so-avid-readers. I would like you to think of the most important criterion of all before you decide. Who holds the most fervor for his country? Who will be the one who will likely put his country above his family above the "church"? Ethics and morality are mere lipservice in the game called politics. Who will have the guts to advocate reproductive health and population control? I will bet you the last cents in my savings not one of them is beyond reproach when it comes to corruption. All I am asking for is someone who has the delicadeza to keep or minimize his/her indiscretion/corrupt practices. I want someone who will give us the perception/belief or even hope that political leaders give a d@mn after all.

VOTE FOR MANNY PACQUIAO! (Just kidding... I am not a fan so I can be irreverent. Sorry.)

We are FUNNY

When the tough gets going people like me laugh... What a whirlwind weekend it has been for me. I celebrated my birthday and I buried my favorite uncle- Uncle Onyok.

I did not think I have the energy to write a post but right now I am stuck in the airport with nothing to do. I have to one to talk to here so I decided to write this post.

Sometimes life's really funny and sad. It can be mean, cruel and just. As I got ready to leave my second hometown Tulunan, North Cotabato. People were buzzing about the military hasty appearance. Then the news broke around 11 am this morning that the military were duking it out with the rebels in the Tulunan highlands. My family hurriedly packed out things as we finished out lunch. My father and I left first for Davao City to catch my flight and the rest of my family left for Cotabato City. So I thought...

When I checked in my baggage I was informed that my flight was delayed. I went to the departure area to find the smoking section only to realize that the good ole employees of PAL closed the area because of the PACQUIAO-HATTON fight. Everyone in the airport was huddle around the televisions of kiosks to watch the anti-climactic fight between the fighter from the singing country (UK) and fighter from the country of videoke singers (Phils).

I realized it was already a re-run but people did not seem to care. So I like a good Filipino that I was I joined the avid boxing audience in one of the airport cafes. After the short two rounds everyone in the airport gave a unison yelp of victory. Then I remember I was supposed to call my my mother to inform her that I am already in the airport awaiting my flight.

To my surprise, my family has not left Tulunan because they stayed to watch the boxing match. Alas, I find it incredulous that even with the distant sounds of cannons and guns, people are more interested watching Pacquiao fight.

So here I am now, unintentionally eavesdropping to amateur boxing analyst wannabes goshin over how great Manny Pacquiao is. I know I should be outraged but all I can muster right now is the energy to laugh.

Whether I like Manny Pacquiao or not can be tackled in another post. Right now, I have to give this guy a credit for his ability to provide people an escape from their own miserable lives. I cannot help but be amazed. I am not sure still if I should credit Pacquiao for this phenomenon or I should give the credit to my kababayans instead. Whether this national pride is as profound as paying one's taxes honestly or as superficial as disobeying traffic laws I do not know.

Filipinos are funny that way. Our sense of national pride is deeply rooted in validating ourselves in the eyes of the international community. We are so quick to stake our claim on the victories on the battles we did not fight. We are funny because the battles that need to be won are neglected and ignored.

We are funny because our poverty strengthens our sense of humor.

We are funny because graft and corruption makes us meek, numb and indifferent.

We are funny because we do not care about self-ingratiating politicians rejoicing over the money they won betting on their prized pup.

We are funny becausewe invest so much energy on this guy. We have placed so much of our pride in him. We forgot our hard-earned money were used to place bets to Vegas bookies rather than our children's classrooms and books.

We are funny because we choose to be funny. We choose to oblivious and we choose to have selective outrage on varying issues.

We are funny because we choose to be the way we are...

Not a Foolish Day

In these unfortunate times, it’s good to have a day when a bit of chaotic fun is allowed. Although we Filipinos have been going through troubled times since we can remember. Many people will think it inappropriate to be messing about in a time of global crisis. Says who? I think people should lay-off on all the seriousness and give-in to some dose of sense of humor. I think it is funny to play tricks on April Fool's Day.

I mean come on, naughty does as naughty does. If we are able to allot an exclusive day for those who are “in love” why should we so be discriminating to those who have fabulous sense of humour, the mischievous- the practical jokers. If we can dedicate a month to celebrate women's rights and euquality, why can we not relish on one single day where in people can make other people believe an alternate version of truth even reality.

Conrado De Quiros wrote a brilliantly hilarious article dated today wherein he declared that, "That good authority comes from this day of days, April 1. I’ve always wondered why it’s called April Fools’ Day. It is the only wise day in the whole year. It is the only sane day in the whole year."

I subscribe to the whole April Fool's Day of course. But I pull my pranks sparingly because it is crucial that I establish the credibility for my jokes. This year, admittedly, I chose a pretty weak victim. But d@mn it feels good. I needed to pull a prank before the noon expires.

I did not have much preparation that is my excuse. Maybe I can carry out a bigger hoax next year, it will depend on my inspiration and preparation. I should remember to note of the date. I must be well-aware that it is March 31 already and the next day is the day of reckoning.

I have to admit I was distracted today in the face of a possible termination from my job. So to pull off a prank despite the circumstances, I know I have fully honoured this day as it should be celebrated. You see my dear readers, oftentimes, with all the insanity going on in our lives, sense of humour is a salving cream to ease those burning or throbbing pains or just maybe the itchy irritations we encounter as we brave our miserable existence.

So, to those who do not have the required sense of humour, you can choose to stay out of harm’s way or enjoy the moment. I would like to prescribe to you a dose of an antidote for this day , it is called tolerance. I enjoy taking a few helpings or dosages of this antidote during Valentine’s Day myself. I highly recommend it. To my fellow tricksters, please note that one person’s joke might be a cruel gibe to another. If you are doubtful that you can overcome this challenge, I caution you to reconsider and not go through your prank or joke.

Happy April Fool’s Day y’all!

All About Eve: for women's month

"Machismo is an antiquated Filipino male culture that deludes men into
thinking that most women find cavemen mentality and behaviour attractive."

- Dyanne Sideño, a self-confessed moderate feminist

Better late than never, I want to acknowledge my fellow sisters, all daughters of Eve on this glorious Women's month. I also want to take this time to lament on how we Filipinas have fallen short of our responsibilities in upholding our rights and privileges. I pose a challenge to all of us Filipinas- "We still have a lot of work to do!"

I want to dedicate this post to all of the victims of violence against women. I say unto those of you who have fallen prey of Machismo and Violence, "Rage! rage against the dying light!"

I am no stranger to rape and sexual harrassment. I confess that I myself have not experienced these terrible horrible things. I have cried and fought along friends and loved ones who have fallen victims to these crimes. I am carrying a murderous grudge for all molesters, rapist and harassers. I think they deserve a place in hell alongside Hitler, Stalin and Judas.

Like this scorching month of March, women should take time to figuratively torch perverts by exposing them like those who came before them who burned strong women at the stakes by charging them with witchcraft. I am a moderate feminist, a feminist all the same. But I do not believe in the war of the sexes has been won. Battles are still being fought everyday in our schools, workplaces, MRT stations and even in churches(?) We should take this time to honor those who fought for the rights and privileges we enjoy as modern women. We can honor their lives by honoring ours and those of our fellow women.

I am infuriated with this Nicole character who we have celebrated for her "courage". I am vexed with the fact that Nicole the rape victim is nothing more than a lying Mhore! She is a vvhore after all because she sold out the not only her credibility but those future Filipino rape victims. I say future because rape will not go out of trend anytime soon. If I have the chance, I would slap her so hard all the other VVhores like her will feel it. I would hit her jaw with my fist, it will make her ancestors dizzy. I'll wring her neck with force, she will get sneak preview of St. Peter himself and the pearly gates. Of course, I cannot do these because I do not believe in violence. Maybe I can challenge her in a duel in a boxing ring perhaps. Alas, my own pacifism defeats these homicidal urges.

Believe me it feels great to have these abusive men reduced to tears! However, you have to realize remorse is hard to come. Fear and intimidation on the other hand, are very articulate and convincing languages.

It might seem to you that I am one angry b!tch right? Wrong! I am not angry?! I am stark raving mad! I am father’s daughter after all. I grew up knowing what a good loving man is. My mother is one tough woman. While Mama taught me the value of independence, Papa encouraged free thinking and open-mindedness. Thus, now that I am a grown woman, I have learned to fiercely guard my individuality and defend my rights and privileges.

Then again, I could very well be the gift of God to my former chauvinistic father. Only when he changed his ways that the Almighty granted him the gift of a Son. Until now, he endures even enjoys the burden of raising strong-willed daughters.Let this serve as a warning to you all chauvinistic men. Abusive men you better start praying. God knows what kind of daughters you will raise...

Dear sisters, if you haven't learned self-defense before like I did. You should take martial art lessons . Take it from me, it pays to know how to break an assailant’s nose, render him unconscious, or crush his fingers or even better eliminate all his possibilities of procreating. Now, if only I can goad myself to WANT to learn how use a gun… I am against violence but I am an advocate of self-preservation. Self-preservation does not only mean mere survival but defending or guarding everything that makes you whole as a human being.

Salud to all the strong and courageous women in my life and others like them in this world. Hats off to all the feminists and women's group! Girl power lives on!

Thank you Susan B. Anthony, Sister Mary John Mananzan, Diana Prince (Wonderwoman) and Darna!

PS.

I want to give tribute to two very strong-willed women (Fritz and Tanya) I know who have greatly influenced me as I struggle to find my place in this world. You are the real Darnas!

Why So Serious?

Happy Valentine's Day my not-so-avid readers! I am in my favorite coffee or should I say chocolate shop right now writing my Valentine post. I just finished a tarot card reading session because the Xocolat Katipunan is holding a promo of tarot card reading sponsored by Mysterium Magazine. The event is called "Pre-Valentine Card Readings for Love". Hold your breath, contrary to what your thinking, I did not have my a card reading for love. I opted to have my fortune read instead.

I find it amusing now that I have even thought of having a fortune read. But for the heck of it, I did. My tarot card reader can no way be mistaken as a Madam Auring. He is a not bad looking , stocky guy wearing a very bright red long-sleeves shirt. By the way, he seems to have this fascination with Batman because every time he wants to explain something profound to me he used allusions to Batman and the other characters in the movie.

I want to share to you what was revealed by my Batman-loving tarot reader. He read the first three cards that I drew and he asked me "Why so Serious?" I was dumbstruck and uttered something very clever, "HUH?" It seems that my dear readers, I have been too serious lately. Mr. Rob told me that although I have to huge obstacle in my path I should not be so serious about it. OK then, I just have to find it in myself to laugh at my problems. It used to be easier. It occurred to me that my life after all is a larger and long production comedy of errors. It is a wealthy source of embarrassing but funny stories.

Anyway, Tarot guy finally understood why I chose to have my fortune read rather than my love life as he read the last set of cards. I am too preoccupied with my problems to bother with my non-existent love life anyway. Right now, I have a bigger problem than not having a date. I am losing my prized sense of humour!

This is grave indeed. I might have to resort to drastic but fun method. of getting my sense of humour back. I heard weeds can cure this. D@mn! I wish I am back home right now. MJs ( i.e. referring to maryjane shoes..ehem) are pretty affordable and accessible. What am I saying?! I am just kidding dear readers or am I?

So, I pledge from now on, I will try to be flippant, I mean happy-go-lucky again. I will try to stay away from weeds though. I might test positive in our office mandatory drug testing and get fired. Then, I will really lose my funny bone. Also, I do wish all the love-struck and in love people a very Happy and Funny Valentine's Day!

New Year's Post: A TRILOGY

Warning: Hazardous to One's Mental Health

I read in the Philippine Daily Inquirer last January 2 that new years resolutions cause harm rather benefits to people. Alas, my silently held belief has been justified by an article in a national broadsheet. THANK YOU PDI! I hate new year's resolutions. I end up bungling most if not all the resolutions I set out to do anyway. So I appeal to you stop declaring your resolutions if you do resolve to do something about yourself this year particularly on your physical imperfections, spare me and your other friends the agony of having to listen to it.

I want to address the issue of weight loss in this post. Many of us overweight people even the skinny bitches always feel the need to proclaim their plans to lose weight in the new year. I have enough problems myself just getting into my size 36 jeans and my size 20 clothes. Those who can fit into size 12 and below, try to be more sensible and spare us the obese your whinings. All of us think the same thing, "I WISH I HAVE YOUR PROBLEM!"

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POWER OF ODDITY

I want to begin this year's post on a positive note though. I pray that even with the looming financial crisis, you my not-so-avid readers will have a great 2009. I have to say that 2008 was not really a great year for me. I believe in the powers of ODD numbers, thus I don't need the likes of that disgusting pervert Madam Auring to tell me what this year will bring. Odd numbers and odd people hold a special place in my heart. Madam Auring does not count.

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Fortune/Future Telling Time

I am racking my brains right now trying to find good songs that I can sing for the wedding of two special friends from college. They will be getting married on January 24 and I have been researching. Congratulations to RON and RHEA!

Anyway, while searching for a good song, a small light bulb flashed in my head. I was reminded of a depressing realization... I have less than 4 months to try outwit my fate. Ok let me share a very grim prophecy given about me by a clairvoyant friend 5 years ago. I am sharing this now because I need all the help I can get.

The prophesy goes this way "You should believe that you will end up a spinster unless until after you are 28 and you still have no boyfriend." Of course, I have abbreviated it and made my own interpretation of that prophesy. It goes this way"must have a boyfriend before i turn 29". So while I'm still 28 HOPE lives on right? Then again, I could have messed this up and the deadline has already passed. Uh-oh...

On that note, I end this post with some HOPE still. Besides, my hope does not rest on my having a lovelife, fling or romance. I HOPE for great things like Prosperity, MONEY, career, Abundance, MONEY, good health, Wealth, and MONEY. Seriously though, I am neither prayerful nor faithful and I have always tried to avoid putting in religious over or under or any other kind of tones in my posts. I guess it would not hurt to start the year right, ne'st pas? So bear with me as I end with a short prayer.

Dear God in Heaven,
Guide this misguided being who always conveniently forgets
Who really is in charge.

Forgive my irreverence (sometimes) to authority/public figures
My impatience for stupidity,
My arrogance towards those who are lesser than me
My distrust and my whining,

Forgive my razor-sharp tongue whose ability
To cut people down astounds even myself.
Forgive my flippant excuses for committing
all the wrong and hurtful things to You
and your other lovely creatures/creations.
Forgive me for believing still
Even as I am uttering this prayer that
I am just being what You have made me to be.

I thank you for all the trials.
I know and believe that everything has its reason/s.
I thank you Lord for the gift- my sense of humor.
Thank you for nurturing it,
By showing me always how funny things really are around me.

I ask that you will continue to watch over me and my family.
Please bless all my not-so-avid readers who have inspired me
To vigilantly improve my writing skills.
Also may they always find time to read my posts.
Bless this wretched country, Lord.
May Filipinos realize that progress
Need not come from their so-called leaders
But from themselves.

ALL this I ask (for now)
In your Holy Name Jesus.
AMEN.