Gifts of Tears, Misfortune, Alcohol and Hope

I have had six unposted blogs as of my last blog entry. I have been unable to publish these posts for the fear of censure from my dear Cai. Just kidding Carol, it's just that I did not feel like posting them up yet because the posts seem lacking in cohesiveness even direction. I just want to post something here that might amuse my usual-not-so avid readers. I make no guarantees.. but I will try.

This blogger is going through a rough patch right now. I am not at liberty to say it out loud let alone write about it here in my blog. Labelling my personal crisis as a rough patch is like describing the Himalayas as ant hills... So, I will leave it at that.

I just want to share that even in my dark days right now, I am especially glad to have this blog because I am able to write stuff even though I do not publish them. Unless someone can figure out how to hack my account then I am in real trouble. As one grows older, one learns to keep more things to oneself. This is especially difficult for someone who is as outspoken as I am.

This post marks the end of another episode of the series of bad days I have been having for the last two weeks. I have been sleep deprived eversince. So imagine the effort of trying to be friendly and accomodating when you are startled awake to somewhat disconcerting exchange of messages. Some people need to hone their conversation skills as much as their texting skills, I am just saying. If I ask a question, you answer it then end the conversation. I feel stupid waiting for an answer. It could be that I have induced your brain to reboot perhaps? I am seeing a pattern here. Dear God, what was I thinking before when I thought I liked this guy? Say no more...I already know the answer. It was about the Law of Propinquity...

My irritation only got worse when I went to work and encountered an arrogant SOB who thinks he owns the f*cking world. It took all the emotional strength I had not to punch this guy's' smug face. I was itching to give him an upper cut and a roundhouse kick. I am trying to understand that even with his money, this guy cannot buy himself some manners and a decent amount of diplomatic skill. I hate it when people disguise profit into something more cause worthy. Let's just call a spade a spade shall we, you son of a b!tch?!

I went home frustrated because after more than a month of waiting for my reimbursement for my travel expenses, I could not cash the damn checks. I have bills and wages to pay and stuff to buy and I am stuck with two worthless piece of paper. My stupid cellphone keeps going off because of the messages from people soliciting money, calling in favors and instructing me to do things for them.

This is one of those days when I just want to find a rock and hide under it until everything blows over. I wish I can cry easily and shed tears so I can find some kind of relief from this terrible pain in my chest. But no.. I have to keep things together, maintain my smiling poker face while I wait for the inevitable cardiac arrest. Still, my obligations outweigh my own crisis. I cannot afford to have the breakdown I rightly deserve.

I am praying for the gift of tears. I am seeking Divine providence! I envy people who can cry and sob wretchedly...Oh how I wish I have their strength to cry my eyes out. I know for sure I have a healthy set of tear ducts. I just can seem to optimize their use. If I still live in QC, I would have just gone to the Elorde gym in Katipunan and vent everything on a punching bag. Now? I cannot even get my hands on a decent bottle of tequila or vodka.

Note to self: stack up on bottles of alcohol and put them in a cabinet with breakable glass labelled "Break in case of Emergency".

I am not particularly fond of alcohol to be honest. I only drink when the mood hits me which is often rare. I drink with friends only to be accommodating. I never drink alone. I try to associate alcohol with having a good time and to avoid drinking myself to oblivion. I have been successful so far.. But as they say, there is always first time for everything.

So to my dear friends, in case you are wondering what I am talking about...Please let me keep this one to myself. It is something that I have to deal with in my own way. I also implore the Fates to deter morons from crossing my path for the next few days. If I were to inflict physical injury or worse shred someone's ego to pieces in the next few days, I will lay the blame on your doorsteps. I will also do my part of steering clear of idiots and stupid people for the meantime.

P.S

My last blog entry was about the someone special who rocked my world. With grief, I had to set him aside because right now I am at my wit's end just trying to keep my world intact. I should be so lucky to have found someone brilliant, good-looking, patient and understanding. There is a rainbow after the rain as there is someone incredibly perfect after getting your heart beaten by so many clueless nincompoops out there. No song could articulate our situation as the song "I'll be Waiting" by Adele.

"Notre amour peut attendre mais vous sera

toujours dans mon coeur.."

Like I always say being a grown-up is overrated. Peter Pan was one lucky bastard. He did not have to worry about anything except picking fights on stupid pirates and flying around Neverland. If I have to do it all over again. I would not change anything. But it would be nice to have your own Neverland to escape to once in awhile though...